She wore a crown & came down in a bubble, dawg

The other night, my friend Sophie stopped me while I was watching the above video on my phone. our friend dana had just said, “am i wrong?” in the same cadence as the guy in this video, and I felt the need to watch the video again.

“You know how I know you have the hyperactive type of ADHD?” Sofia asked. (she also has adhd, and we talk about it often). I said “of course not, sophie.” she replied, “because now you’ve seen that video three times in a row.”

Reading: She came down in a bubble

I admit it, there’s a malonemail essay in my future on how being diagnosed with adhd in my late 20’s was the powder keg coincidence that set off a chain explosion of existential crises, forcing me to reframe and reconsider almost everything. I once thought he knew about me and the life I had built around it. but such emotional vivisection is for another day. Instead, let’s channel all my denial energy into overthinking what is, in my mind but also objectively, don’t question my authority, I’m an expert, nothing short of an internet masterpiece.

why “the wicked witch of the east, brother!” is the platonic ideal of a meme, broken down into 10 step-by-step steps

  1. “wait. expect. expect. You’re…wait.” We start our tour with the kind of screaming that sends my stress hormones through the roof, while also inspiring awe at how much yelling cis white guys usually get away with. his, even towards other cis white guys. (Clearly, men are too emotional to be in positions of power!) This opening is irritating, you might be thinking, and now I’m resenting the person who sent me a viral clip of brothers doing stupid things, devon. Fear not, my curious comrades, for there is more.

    See also: Itchy armpits and cancer: Is there a link?

    “your sister. she was a witch. right?” wait—

    “And who was your sister? a princess.” wait. you may need a minute to fully understand the left turn we just passed. when you came on this tour, you might have had the impression that we would be watching two grown men yelling about…wait, who are we arguing about now? some kind of battle over a game of… candy land? (It could very well be; the Mandela effect is an indiscriminate terrorist.) And you’re wondering where we’re going with the perplexing logic puzzle that is “this character is a witch, which, as we all know, makes her sister a princess”? feel like you’ve just walked into a satellite tutoring session at a troubled youth boot camp five minutes before child services shows up to shut everything down.

    “the wicked witch of the east, brother!” ouch. oh ok, so now it’s starting to make sense. Right? about? At the very least, we know this is an argument about the Wizard of Oz. the argument he is trying to make is still unclear: is she… the wicked witch of the east… the princess…? who hurt this man? (related: what is it like to be a man, so deeply confident in your knowledge and experience of trivia that you jump right into yelling and explaining, instead of questioning yourself to the brink of insanity at the mere suggestion that it might be? (possibly incorrect? amirite, ladies?) let me, at this point in the tour, encourage you all to appreciate body language: insane head nods that accentuate every word, plus whatever these prayer hands of emphasis. 13 seconds and now we’re walking into the undiluted, vine-grade internet fire.

    the other guy saying “that’s my favorite movie“…initially, you can’t help but feel bad for the guy sitting there and taking this. like us, he seems to be sitting there gritting his teeth, trying to get over this stupefying blitzkrieg of toxic masculinity like the rest of us. His favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz! you know we’re a bo-…with soft confidence to “I’m going to stab him“.welcome. I had to go and look at the camera. He realizes that he is recording the emasculation of him, and we see him decide to save face by pulling out a knife and threatening to stab the man explaining the wizard of oz identity politics.

    At this point, you have to start asking yourself: is this one of those clips where the guy being yelled at actually elicited this response and the video was edited in his favor? is this a framework? Who is to blame for the Shakespearean tragedy that is about to unfold before our very eyes? no matter; the whiplash has completely taken over. fasten your seat belts, keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle and out of the path of the knife, and pray we all make it out alive.

    See also: SoYouWantToBreed

    “Will you sit there and tell me I’m wrong? I’m wrong?”. is it possible that our star explainer was in anger management? of course! at one point, he willingly withdraws from the confrontation, walking into the other room to sulk because he *checks the notes* and is told that he’s wrong about the Wicked Witch of the East. however, if he did, he clearly didn’t complete the program, because at this point he returns, hands outstretched like a guy shrugging his shoulders very, very out of character: I dare you to find a flaw in my faultless logic that the witch that she was killed by the house proves that the good witch (?) was in fact a princess, despite the fact that the supposed princess in question is not even related to any of the witch sisters we would hypothetically be using in this argument

    “was wearing a crown and fell into a bubble, dude”. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that this argument started after they lost a round of that ubiquitous mobile app game, because the guy with the knife couldn’t connect the “princess” clues from that explainer that were actually supposed to point towards the answer “glinda, the good witch of the north” . however, the fact that both are used as arguments for why glinda the good witch of the north is, in fact, a princess, who wore a crown (a good argument actually) and fell into a bubble (? ??)—defies reason. yet have you ever heard of such divine madness? I have become glinda is a princess. princesses travel in bubbles she’s canon now, dude.

    “grow up! grow up, brother.”Have you ascended to the next plane? I certainly have only one flawless ending to what could be the platonic ideal of the kind of overzealous, deranged logic that has come to define not only the internet, but the meatspace universe as well. at this point, with so many possible armageddons (armageddi?) waiting on the horizon, each one waiting to take its turn in the total annihilation of humanity, you have to wonder if the only reason the supposed civilization still persists in 2020 is the result of the momentum generated by the absolutely unstoppable conviction of people (jk, cishet men, lmao) who regularly continue to be dead wrong and still somehow win the argument. if only we could take advantage of it; “her sister of hers [being] a witch” could surely function as an alternative energy to replace coal. at least!

    “educate yourself, friend!”after all this, all the fighting, the attempted violence, the positively transcendent forensic analyzes that have brought us to this place, the knife guy (is his name is doug? there are conflicting accounts as to whether he’s saying “in a bubble buddy” or “in a bubble buddy” but knowing what I know about this particular breed of white hoodie bro I absolutely have to believe it’s the former ) have the nerve to suggest that this man educate himself? I might as well recommend a coat to a man with frostbite. you could also advise buffy summers to try not to be a killer. We’re past the point of no return here, doug. To suggest that there is still hope for the redemption of objective facts at this point is not just crazy; It is arrogance of the highest level. Get away from your vanity, man! sheath your sword! fight another day! anyway, he has lost this and he knows it.

    the girl who films just for a livingas we round the bend to reach the end of this journey, you might notice: this girl, this intrepid documentarian, has been with us all along . she is us, really.

    See also: Lemon Tree Fruiting – Tips To Encourage Fruit On Lemon Trees

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